How to Handle Other People Telling You How to Raise Your Kids
As a new parent (especially a young mother), it can be difficult to separate the real and useful advice from the useless or unimportant advice. You are worried that maybe you really don’t know what you’re doing and it is easy for someone else to convince you that you are putting your child in danger or are a terrible parent for doing something differently.
The fact of the matter is that most parents have very good instincts. Sure, you might change a diaper differently than your mother-in-law, but your baby isn’t going to end up in the hospital because of it! Trust yourself. You know what is best for your baby, not other people.
Many parents are prepared to be challenged in their more controversial decisions, such as co-sleeping, bottle or breast feeding, staying home or going back to work, etc. However, you will be amazed at the little things people will criticize. Walking down the street, someone is bound to let you know that your baby should have socks on. If you put socks on her, someone else will comment on how your poor baby is too hot! There is no way to win the baby wars and you shouldn’t even try! Just do what you think is best.
So, what do you say to these self-appointed advisers? That really depends on your personality and who you are talking to. If you are responding to your own mother, you will be more at ease and probably feel more comfortable telling her to back off.
However, on the street, it can be a bit more tricky. Many parents are of the opinion that it is no one else’s business whether their baby wears shoes or not! You can simply ignore these people, if you have no idea who they are. Or, if you wish to be polite, just nod and say, “Thank you.” Then continue on your way and do as you wish.
Friends are probably the most difficult. They mean well, but might not understand that you have different ideas about raising children. If they have their own kids, they might be a bit more sympathetic, but don’t count on it. We had a friend who was a fanatic of swaddling and couldn’t believe that we didn’t do it with our child. Every time we put our daughter down when she was around, she scolded us about not wrapping and told us how great it was. She simply didn’t get why we couldn’t do things the same way.
With friends, you might have to be firm, but nice. Try something like, “I get that you think that is the best way, but we’ve chosen to go with . . . .” If that doesn’t work, you might need to be a bit stronger. Remind them that you don’t criticize their parenting decisions (or lack thereof if they aren’t parents yet) and ask for the same respect in return.
It can be difficult to deal with people trying to tell you how to raise your children, but you can do it. Stick to what you believe is the right thing for your kids and you will all be happier in the end.
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November 6th, 2007 09:26
i feel that it’s nothing wrong with getting a little help when you’re a young first time mother, but it should be an limit to where people take it. its one thing to help someone and its another to try and run their life,by telling them you need to do this, and you need to do that. i feel it’s not what you do in this situation it’s how you do and say it.
August 29th, 2008 17:08
I get a lot of people who think they are being helpful with their advice, when really they have no idea what they are talking about. My way to deal with it is just nod and say ‘thank you’. That way, they feel like they have been heard (and don’t insist on repeating themselves) and i don’t get wrapped up in defending my decisions.